Lesson 5.3: I Have Major Depression- The DOS (Part 2)

For the international community in Beijing that suffers from depression, external resources are very limited. Either you go to expensive quality counselors or psychiatrists in international hospitals, or you have to go to a Chinese hospital where quality and language may become an instant barrier.

This is why knowing how to deal with major depression disorder is so important. Self-help plays a very important role in recovery, and one can even come out of it with stronger self-awareness that can improve life significantly.
So in our last two lessons, we are tackling the topic: I have major depression. What do I do?

• Now in this lesson of 5.3, we continue with the DOS, and give you 2 more.

Again, everyone has their own way to cope. So instead of prescribing a (not-so-useful) manual, we decided to give you some real life examples by inviting Xiaojie to share her experiences.
Let’s welcome back, Xiaojie!

12th November 2016

Lesson 5.3: I Have Major Depression- The DOS (Part 2)

With the right attitude, and useful knowledge, the step of practice comes a lot easier. This is when we have the capacity to use those charts and checklists.

Now, everyone’s checklist varies. But they generally look similar to this checklist:

For me, I followed this:

Try to keep up my routine. No, I honestly did not feel like it at all. I was only able to do 10-20% of my routine. Here’s the thing: when you have MDD, you don’t even want to be awake. Everything is difficult; doing anything takes a toll on you. I knew I had to go out, but I couldn't. It is an hourly struggle to try to "do the right thing". I only managed go to social dance once a week, do yoga and go to work. There were definitely times that I woke up and couldn't go to work. But only now can I say that I am glad I didn’t quit. Imagine if I had to deal that financial stress!

Do more yoga, lots of yoga. I got into yoga in 2008, but was never regular with it. It's not until late 2013 that I started to do it weekly. In early 2014, I fell into depression and I kept going with it. That seems to be one place that I could at least feel a tiny sense of calm.

I remember one time going to the yoga class at my regular place and I cried during the practice. There were just so much emotions coming up. I knew it was a good thing because I was able to let go of the negative emotions. The rest of the time, I couldn't cry. I was not sad, not frustrated, and not resentful. I was just numb, feeling like a walking zombie.
April 2015 by the foot of Great Wall China

Reaching out for help: I didn’t tell my friends about my depression (go to lesson 4.1, for to tell or not to tell guidance). I might have briefly mentioned it to a few close ones but no one knew the degree of my depression: major. I just felt like no one will be able to help me, and what do they even say if I told them. It would just be awkward and I’d feel anxious.

Instead, I looked online for support groups. I couldn't find any in Beijing for the international community. (Yes, there are Chinese speaking communities. But given that I have reverse culture shock, I didn't think it was a good idea to sit in an environment that might cause social anxiety) but I did email a few people that I found online who were mental health conscious, and asked for advice or information.

One guy replied with a very long and caring email. When I read the words, in between lines, I felt this genuine concern and care for me- someone who he has never met and never knew. But because of his own struggle with depression, he understands me, and he cares about me; another struggling fellow.

Emails turned into coffee conversations. He became my guardian angel that never judged me, but was just there to listen, to support. People with depression withdraw, they say. I don’t think so. I think people with depression are cornered, into a lonely dark place. I was in that place. I didn't want to social with others, not even through texting. Being in daily contact with him made me less anxious and less lonely. It's like you have company in that dark place to wait for you to come out. One day, when I was not replying to his messages, he became extra worried! If you think he was over reacting, he was not. Just weeks ago, I was calling the suicide prevention hotline. I have known people who took their own lives because people around them are weren't able to spot the signs ( Sam wrote his story about losing a friend to suicide). On that day though, I was okay, I was just in a meeting and didn't have time to check my phone. I was touched that he cared!

There were many more instances like that that got me through my depression. I couldn't have imagined going through it without him. Now he is one of my best friends!

I am glad I looked for support, and I was lucky to get it. Now, since Oct 2015, I have been running a peer support group for people with depression, mania and severe anxiety in Beijing. I couldn't find one that time, so a year later, I created one.

Take a break from life: I wanted to take a break from everything. I googled "run away" "travel" "take a long break". Nothing seemed like a good option. I felt so stuck and helpless. I can't just stay at home, or just travel without purpose. At an office lunch one day, my colleague mentioned a mindfulness center in Thailand. It's yoga, meditation, agriculture, art workshops for people with addiction and depression. I looked up online, and sent out the email immediately. I finally found a place to lay down my soul. 

I registered in June, and earliest I could go was September. In between, I would open their website every day, just to look at the pictures, and their blogs. It's something that I actually was looking forward to, the only thing! Every day, I looked at their website, knowing that I am going somewhere I can actually take a deep breath. That looking forward got me through each day in hell.

When September came, I was no longer in depression. I still went for a month there in Thailand to New Life Foundation(). That turned out to be the best thing I've ever done I integrated mindfulness into daily practice, and I met so many inspiring people who came with their own stories.

It's been two years since then. I am a lot more advanced into mindfulness practice, which helped me to stable my mood in a significant way. Now I am an advocate in Beijing for mindfulness as a tool for mental health.

(at New Life Foundation in 2014)

‍Medication: would it help?‍

It has been a question for me for years! I had always been a bit anti-medicine, even when I was in the major depressive mood. "I don't know if it'd work really", "it would give me so much side effect", "I don't know if I can even trust the doctors. What if I get a bad one?" "I have to take them for years, don't I? I don't want that" "my friends who had been on meds told me to be careful…so I don't know" these were the questions that I had in mind. It's a long dragging process for me to think it through, but I could never make up my mind.

Not until I read tons and tons of research paper on the effectiveness of anti-depressants, that I got even more confused. Basically, it's such a try and error decision and you can't predict with complete confidence. I decided it was time to have an answer so I would feel calm again for the consequences. I decide:

If I ever have major depressive disorder, I will take meds.
The decision was based on: 

• I will risk my life again if I don't let the professionals try. I will be in no place to decide for myself.

• I can't decide from fear. Hope for the best is a better strategy.

• Accept that meds won't always work, and give space for failure.

So when I was getting low again in the same year (2015) I adopted my new strategy, I responded accordingly. I went to the hospital, and the doctor prescribed me with mood stabilizer. Very fortunately, I responded to the meds so well that I felt normal again after just a few days.

However, do not count on medication to do all the work for you. It can only help you get up on your feet. You will still have to do the walking. Going back to the well-being list, this is when you start to tick the things off.


Now talking about practice: mindfulness has been used in eastern culture for thousands of years for mental well-being.

Earlier I mentioned how yoga helped me to cope during my MDD, well, it is not only for when you already have one. I completely trust the healing power of our body and mind if we listen to its signals and nurture it.

I have been practicing mindfulness intensively since late 2013. Now almost every day, I do yoga and/or meditation for at least 1 hour; I have been to many mindfulness trips in Thailand, and I am going to go to more; I have started to lead yoga session in Beijing as a volunteer teacher, and organized workshops on meditation so more people would know this tool for their well-being.

(meditation intro workshop by Candlex in March 2016)

What have I gotten out of it?

It pulls me out of burn out by quieting my thoughts for a moment on a daily basis. It's like turning off your computer every day to give it a rest so you can use it again tomorrow. Overuse your computer can lead to serious crash. For our mind, we call it: nervous breakdown. Our mind is that computer, and any moment we create space of emptiness, we are resting our mind for sustainable optimal function.

It stabilizes my mood and equips me with emergency toolkits. Impatient, competitive, highly sensitive and a perfectionist, etc., I had all that characteristics of people who are at higher risk to depression. "Be patient" people used to tell me. I know I need to be, but I just didn't know how!

In 2014, when my boss told me that meditation would help me, I didn't think so at all. I was so depressed that I found meditation impossible. However, now mindfulness practice became the tool for me to use to cultivate all that I need through difficult times.

I think of that as a first aid bag. When times get rough, I need to open it. If I don't cultivate self-awareness and acceptance patience, love and kindness, forgiveness, on a daily basis, my bag will be empty.

I made it. I came through depression. Never would I have imaged that, one day I would create a community organization to advocate for mental health, and provide psycho social support for people with depression. Now looking back on my story with depression, it has torn everything down so I could build something even more beautiful. Trust life.

So there it is, Xiaojie’s experience in dealing with depression. To summarize, there are 4 major factors that have absolute impact on her healing process: attitude, knowledge, medical care, practice and mindfulness.

• Attitude – accepting, patience

• Knowledge- understanding of depression

• Practice- Take a break from stressors, Keep a routine, reach out for help 

• Medication- Don’t be afraid of professional help, but be prepared for try and error

• Mindfulness– prepare your first-aid bag

With depression, there's no going over it, or going around it. There's only going through it. Live your day one day at a time, try to do the right thing. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even though you can’t always feel it, just trust it.

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